Monthly Archives: December 2013

The Power of Prayer

I’ve been getting a lot of messages lately on the power of prayer. As a child and into adulthood, prayer was the only form of contact with the Divine that I knew of.  I grew up with a devout Roman Catholic mother and she required that I attend and honor the forms of her religion.  It was the only thing I knew.

As an adult, I had my own search. I never found a religion that answered all my questions or made me feel very happy.  What I did find was people who were willing to share their experiences with me and how they prayed. And I am eternally grateful to them.  I found God in other people and in what they were willing to share of themselves with me. I am grateful that there were many of these teachers and they came from all walks of ordained and non-ordained life.

I started praying on a regular basis because I was in pain.  There was something in my life that I did not like and I wanted it to change. At first, it would be a scream in my mind.

“God! How can you let this happen to me?!”

And then there was silence. 

Nothing happened. Nothing changed. At least not that I was aware of.

Eventually, I got to a place where I gave up.  I wanted to do whatever I could to make the pain stop. I set aside time. I got on my knees and I took a traditional Christian prayer stance because it was the only thing I knew.

And I let it all pour out. All the people who were hurting me. All the things in my life that were not the way they were supposed to be. All the situations I couldn’t control and that I needed help to understand and to influence.

Life continued. Some things got better and some things got worse.

And then I heard something that made a huge difference to me.  

“Prayer doesn’t change other people. Prayer changes us.”

I did NOT like that statement at all.

I was doing everything right.  I was bending over backwards to be “good.”  And I expected a reward. I expected that if I did all the “right” things that life would go the way I wanted it. I expected that people would do what I wanted them to do if I prayed that they would do those things. I expected that God would make my life smoother, easier if I prayed and talked to him on a regular basis. I expected that I would get the lover, the money, the physique, the career, the fill-in-the-blank that I wanted because I was praying.

I had just enough self-knowledge to know that if something rubbed me the wrong way there was benefit to looking at why. There was some part of myself that I was resisting.  So I tried to sit with it.  I lasted all of 10 seconds.

Shortly after I heard this statement, I found myself in a very trying situation.  I was accused of child abuse by a woman with mental illness.  My world had turned upside down and I had no idea what to do.  There really is very little one can actually do in this situation other than be completely honest with the investigators and contact an attorney.  So, I did what I could and I prayed. I had developed a new conception of a higher power that worked for me and I used it every moment I could.

The next idea that I heard which turned my world around was how to handle resentment.  I was angry with this woman. Every person I talked with reassured me that every thing would be fine, that they would be happy to provide any type of reference as to my competence as a mother.  I was grateful. And I kept praying. The advice I was given was to pray for the person who had hurt me and to be specific.  Not to pray for her to change her mind and rescind the accusation but to think of all the things I wanted for myself -to make a list even – and to get on my knees and pray for her to have all these things.

This was hard.

Really hard.

I did not want her to have all the things that I wanted. I did not see how this would help.

But there was nothing I could do to affect this outcome but wait.

And love flows. It doesn’t restrict or put limitations on where it flows.   So, every time I was scared about losing my children I prayed.  I wrote down a list of all the things I wanted in my life.  I was specific – a house with a wraparound porch, time and money to spend with my kids, a trip to Macchu Picchu, a new Harley motorcycle, the red dress I saw in the window last week.  It was hard to feel good enough about myself to write down things I wanted for myself.  I was never taught to reach or ask for things.  I grew up learning how to settle.  But I needed to do this for my own healing. I made the list and read it out loud asking for her to have all of these things that I wanted and didn’t have. 

And I did it again and again. Even if I was crying.

Then I went and did something to comfort and take care of myself, whatever occurred to me at the time.

Weeks and months passed. 

Nothing seemed to change.

And then I started to feel an opening. I started to see how this woman was mentally ill and felt attacked and suspicious of others. I could see how she was scared and fearful and didn’t know anything other than lashing out to communicate. 

And I loved her. I saw how she was projecting her pain out into the world and it was everything she saw. 

I wept for her pain.

I wanted to hug her and help her heal. I wanted to tell her that life is more than that.

But that wasn’t my path. She was not in a space to receive anything from me.  So I asked God to create a situation of healing for both of us if that was meant to be. 

And I went back to my life, now praying for her with renewed vigor.  I was also positive that whatever the outcome that I and my children would be okay.  I was peaceful and the people around me did not understand.  And that was okay. Because I had peace with the situation and had other insights along the way.

Eventually, the case was dismissed and the accusations were declared unfounded. But I didn’t need that to happen for me to have peace. I had seen how prayer had changed me. And I had experienced the profound sense of aloneness in those moments when all I had was my desire to be love in the world, even when it felt disingenuous. 

To me, prayer is another form of energy.  And all is love. When we pray, we send out love; sometimes we send it to others and sometimes we send it to ourselves. I thought I was asking for God to change my life so I could be happy. Now I believe what I was doing was inviting the Divine in to my being so that I could be peace. No matter what happens.




My Awakening (long)

I woke this morning with one message. It is the message that I get constantly but seemed to have more energy behind it, a new drive.  It is the message that I got when I went to a crystal healer for the first time and didn’t really know why I was going.  I had just followed the signs.  The message was to share my journey.  Simple, straightforward. Just be me and share it with others.

The specifics of this message were to write a blog post. To put information out there.  It is energy combining with other energies. Now, I am not an expert and you will hear me say this time and time again because right now I am very comfortable identifying as a beginner and that I have seen there are many things I want to experience in this incarnation and goals, wishes, desires that I want to fulfill.  But I believe that there is value in everything and every place, position, location that we find ourselves whether it is on this physical plane or a place we have visited via non-physical means.

I am truly enamored with the myriad ways that we find ourselves, that we create situations, that we attract people and that we react to our creations.  And if you find yourself in a place that is undesirable to you, I hear you. I have been there.  I have created it multiple times and I love you.  And I have released the desire to understand everything as I am experiencing it and I support your release as well if you possess such a desire.

As I write this, there is a spirit with me I can only identify as a pink flame.  I do not know what that means but I point it out because I desire to share with you an experience that my mind cannot understand using reason. I desire to share with you that going through this human experience, creating in a linear manner fashioned by time is possible. Of course, my ego screams, “Go to Google!  Look up pink flames!  Who has channeled this? What does it mean?” But it has been made clear to me and I wish to experience this in my own way, learning to follow my own intuition.

So, the message I am guided to share is how I came to my awakening.

The story is that I spent most of my teenage and adult life miserable. I had several traumatic, out of the norm life experiences and I suffered from mental illness, addictions, depression and lack of support as I perceived it. There was not one particular turning point. I tried many traditional, and then nontraditional, methods to get help.  I learned to take what I could use from each and wise people said, “Leave the rest.” So I did.  Many times I told myself that if things didn’t work out I could always kill myself. But I postponed it many times in the hope that I would find something new.  Eventually, I practiced enough of these things that worked for me and the situation I found myself was so undesirable that I became willing.  Willing to change, willing to listen to anyone, willing to listen to my body, willing to try new things even if I had no idea how they would work out.  I set aside everything my ego said about how right I was, how everything in my life was screaming that this was how life worked.  I was willing to set aside being right for the desire to have peace. It didn’t come overnight. It didn’t come in two weeks or two months.  But once I was willing, I had to be honest with myself and with other people. I stopped trying to manipulate people to get what I wanted.  I wasn’t interested in little white lies or great big giant ones.  I wanted to be authentic; I wanted to know me.

What I found was a change in myself at first. If someone asked me how I was, it was a difficult question at first.  I felt awful and I didn’t want to tell other people how I felt.  I avoided the topic. Eventually, I was able to be honest but brief. “I’m not 100% today but the day’s not over.” I was not a positive thinker but I had one in my life who was having amazing results and I was throwing everything I had into it. I am very grateful for her today.

I started being completely honest with people. If they asked me if I wanted to do something that I really didn’t want to do, I told them in the kindest way I could think of without making excuses. “I would love to spend time with you.  Can we go to the movies instead?” Then I left the decision with them. And when things didn’t go the way I would have liked it to go, I took care of myself.  For some reason, women like to suggest baths as a form of relaxation so I tried that at first.  It wasn’t my cup of tea.  Of course, the first time I did that I thought there was something wrong with me. Everyone else likes baths!  What don’t I like baths? 

Then I made it okay for me not to like baths.  So, I looked for other things. Some of them made me happy and I enjoyed them and others of them weren’t for me. But allowing myself two things made all the difference. First, I made it a priority to look into things that made me happy. I had never been given this a child, at least not that I recalled. I wanted to find what made my soul sing. I wanted to know what I was good at, what I was a beginner at, if I had any creativity, how it would feel to have my body do certain activities. This took time too, and I still do it. Second, I made it okay to “fail.” I put the word in quotes because I don’t feel they were failures now. At the time however, it felt like failing. I asked myself what the worst possible thing could be if I failed at what I was trying.  Well, I could look like a fool. People would make fun of me. I might get physically hurt at some of them. I might lose money. I would have wasted time. And then I said that that was okay.  I would still be okay if any of those things happened.  But I couldn’t NOT know any longer.  I had sunk as deep as I wanted to go; I wanted to know how high I could fly.

I started to find that as I was paying attention to what made me happy, what didn’t feel good and the things in my life that I could control that more opportunities and more ideas for feeling good came to me. It might be an ad that I see in a magazine, a song on the radio, a snippet of conversation overheard at the store.  My perception was expanding and I was noticing more and more amazing things coming into my experience. I thought they were coincidences but I chose to follow the ones I liked and gave myself time and space to explore them.

99% of the things I dreaded didn’t come to pass. And when they did, I was comfortable enough with my own vulnerability that I could approach my friends or family or strangers who said something to me.  If they were open to it, I explained how my choice was making me happy.  If they were not, I let them be and gave them space to process their own emotions in whatever way they chose.  Most people in our lives want us to be happy. But I have found that they do not know what makes me happy. Only what makes them happy. So I listened to what made them happy. If I wanted to, I tried it.  If it didn’t resonate with me, I thanked them for sharing their experience with me. Ultimately, I expressed my love and support to them in whatever fashion they were willing to receive. My desire was to be love. The question I asked myself from a book I had read was “What would love do now?”  Love would be and allow others to be.

A friend of mine many years ago shared something with me.  She put a picture of herself as a little baby on her fridge and reminded herself that that little innocent baby is how God sees her and how we came to this world.  When I wanted to beat myself up and tell myself how awful I am, I looked at a picture of me as a child buried in sand at the beach with a huge grin on my face.  And I felt love for that child.  I share this with you so that if it helps you when you are low, you may think of yourself as that child. After all, that child is you.

Earlier this year, I had a spiritual awakening. I understood how we are all desirous of making ourselves happy.  It is what we are seeking. We are seeking pleasure, to feel joy. I was always a bleeding heart as some would say but I now experienced compassion and love of myself.  I am not perfect, nor do I now desire to be. I desire to be love and I had to learn how to do that for myself.  When I could do that for myself, I did not see any separation between myself and others.

And it was the most beautiful life-giving experience I have ever known.

That is what I refer to as my spiritual awakening. I was in love with life and wanted to be and share joy. Shortly after that, in a matter of two months actually, my ascension began.  I started being contacted by spirit and my journey continues.

I want to share one more thing.  I have received this message many times and am awed each time.  I was not supposed to wake up.  I came here for a completely different purpose.  I woke myself up through surrender, acceptance and self-love.

My desire for you is to use what works from this post and leave the rest.  Only you know what resonates with you.  You are loved. I love you. The Universe loves you.  Your angels are with you right now.  (They’re so excited for you!)

And I wish you peace.


Sleepless on the Winter Solstice

It’s the longest night of the year. I thought I was going to spend it sleeping. I started getting what I call “buzzy” just when I was going to sleep. It wasn’t a grounding issue so I tried to sleep for a bit. I was up at exactly 2:00 then 3:00 and finally 4:00. Oh well, just another part of the journey. There is a lot of energy coming in tonight.

I got some ideas to paint today while on my run so I am breaking out the paints. It is very amusing to me how awake I am at this hour. But delighted to be here to experience it. Sending love to you, my friend. It is such a glorious ride we are on!

2013-12-16 Woodland meetings

Today is full of synchronicities!  I have been feeling some fear and deciding to focus on my abundance. My husband has been very supportive of my spiritual awakening and I am very grateful for that.  So, one thing lead to another and I ended up watching a video of Bashar last night about having the life you want.  What stuck out to me was what he said about doing the most exciting thing that you wanted and then following it until you come to a crossroads, then following the next most exciting thing from there and so on.  This really resonated with me and I could see how I attract synchronicities when this happens.  

After I dropped my son off at school I was not sure what to do.  I wanted to write new copy for my website but I wasn’t feeling “in the zone” about it.  So I asked myself what was the most exciting thing to me.  I wanted to get a cup of hot tea and go to the park to see the trees.  I went to Wawa for tea and there was a young man who was emptying the trash at the coffee station. When he came to the spot where I was, I struck up a conversation.  He said that he was having trouble sleeping and mentioned that he worked several jobs. He was very friendly and his light was so bright!  He seemed open to talking so before I left I told him that trouble sleeping can also be a sign of spiritual awakening and that he could take that for whatever he wanted or disregard it as he saw fit.  I don’t usually say anything to people but Spirit keeps putting more and more people in my path so if they are open, I make one mention of it and leave the rest to them.  

With my tea, I headed to a park I felt drawn to and took my phone with me to take pictures.  There were two trees which stuck out to me so I took pictures of them then something said to walk toward the water.  There were almost 100 geese back there!  I went closer to the water. The sunlight glinting off the water was beautiful and some of the geese took flight. Several of them started flying above me in circular patterns and I took a few more pictures.  I uploaded the pictures to Facebook and Spirit said to go home for gloves and come back out to take my pictures with my camera and to post them on the blog. 

So, home I go to get gloves.  I had a wonderful time showering, dancing, getting messages from FB friends and eating breakfast. I reiki’d my plant George and had an amazing experience in which I learned about the power of plants and activities that I could benefit from.  I spoke with some prospective clients and received some messages from a friend’s father who passed last month and gave her the messages. The only thing that bothered me a bit was that time seemed to be getting away from me. I was getting lots of messages through numbers from the angels that I was on the right track but what I thought should have been two hours ended up being almost four. I wouldn’t have changed any of it but I didn’t understand why time seemed to be slipping away from me. It seems as if time has speeded up. I asked my husband to ask his spirit guide about this and the answer that came back was to go for a run after my outing to take pictures. (I ask him to ask his spirit guide because my guides don’t always give me specifics and sometimes, you really want to know! LOL)

I finally headed out to take pictures and asked Spirit where I should go.  I was led to a park that I haven’t spent too much time in two towns over. My husband texted me just before I got out to ask me to look for deadwood because he wanted to carve something and I told him I would keep an eye out. As soon as I stepped out of the car, I was drawn to a nearby tree and found a piece of thick wood on the ground that I thought was suitable so I walked back to the car and put it by my door. Then I went back to take pictures.

I was led to an area where most of the snow was almost gone and I took out my camera. I had no idea what I was going to take a picture of. So, I took pictures where my guides told me to take pictures. I crossed a short section where there were no trees and saw all sorts of tiny green, pink and yellow orbs skittering away as I walked, getting out of my way. They were very beautiful! When I got to the other side of the park, something told me to move closer and take pictures of a depression by the base of the tree. It was someone’s home.  That’s the whole message I got. I don’t know any more than that. I have some ideas but I’m waiting until more is revealed.  Spirit told me to take pictures and I did.

I was getting cold and my fingers were numb even with gloves on.  I decided to head back to the car and started walking back. I was pulled to walk back a different route than I had taken to get there and I walked around some trees that I had not passed before. As I looked down, I found at least four pieces of wood that would be perfect for carving!  They were much longer and much thicker than anything else in the area where I had walked through. My thought was, “I already have a piece of wood; I don’t need more.”  But something told me to pick them up so I did. I carried these four small logs back to my car and set them on the ground.

“Happy Monday!”  

I heard someone say from about 20 feet away.  What a pleasant surprise!  This is how I greet people all the time!  There was a friendly man in a red winter coat leaning against the fence in the parking lot.  (Red, how perfect!) His name is David and he asked me if I was collecting firewood. I told him no, but that it would be lovely to have a fireplace; I told him the wood was for my husband who was going to carve something. He had just trimmed a tree that his grandmother planted and was looking for someone to give the wood to.

And so our gloriously Divine conversation began!  He told me how he was waking up and how beautiful everything was. I told him that I totally agreed and that I was undergoing the same thing and that my business is providing spiritual awakening support.  He told me about his travels and music and life events and how he was using the power of Jeshua to heal people.  He and a friend of his healed a cancerous tumor in a 26 year old woman. When she went back to her doctor, the cancer was gone and the only way the doctor said that could have happened was through surgery.  We have such amazing potential! We talked about how people all over and waking up and about  the elders who have gone before us and about the generation coming of age.  It was beautiful!  Before we left, he shared his story of how Spirit led him to lean on that fence and wait.  And I told him how Spirit told me to pick up more wood even when I thought I already had what I needed.  What beautiful synchronicity!  Thank you, Universe!