My Awakening (long)

I woke this morning with one message. It is the message that I get constantly but seemed to have more energy behind it, a new drive.  It is the message that I got when I went to a crystal healer for the first time and didn’t really know why I was going.  I had just followed the signs.  The message was to share my journey.  Simple, straightforward. Just be me and share it with others.

The specifics of this message were to write a blog post. To put information out there.  It is energy combining with other energies. Now, I am not an expert and you will hear me say this time and time again because right now I am very comfortable identifying as a beginner and that I have seen there are many things I want to experience in this incarnation and goals, wishes, desires that I want to fulfill.  But I believe that there is value in everything and every place, position, location that we find ourselves whether it is on this physical plane or a place we have visited via non-physical means.

I am truly enamored with the myriad ways that we find ourselves, that we create situations, that we attract people and that we react to our creations.  And if you find yourself in a place that is undesirable to you, I hear you. I have been there.  I have created it multiple times and I love you.  And I have released the desire to understand everything as I am experiencing it and I support your release as well if you possess such a desire.

As I write this, there is a spirit with me I can only identify as a pink flame.  I do not know what that means but I point it out because I desire to share with you an experience that my mind cannot understand using reason. I desire to share with you that going through this human experience, creating in a linear manner fashioned by time is possible. Of course, my ego screams, “Go to Google!  Look up pink flames!  Who has channeled this? What does it mean?” But it has been made clear to me and I wish to experience this in my own way, learning to follow my own intuition.

So, the message I am guided to share is how I came to my awakening.

The story is that I spent most of my teenage and adult life miserable. I had several traumatic, out of the norm life experiences and I suffered from mental illness, addictions, depression and lack of support as I perceived it. There was not one particular turning point. I tried many traditional, and then nontraditional, methods to get help.  I learned to take what I could use from each and wise people said, “Leave the rest.” So I did.  Many times I told myself that if things didn’t work out I could always kill myself. But I postponed it many times in the hope that I would find something new.  Eventually, I practiced enough of these things that worked for me and the situation I found myself was so undesirable that I became willing.  Willing to change, willing to listen to anyone, willing to listen to my body, willing to try new things even if I had no idea how they would work out.  I set aside everything my ego said about how right I was, how everything in my life was screaming that this was how life worked.  I was willing to set aside being right for the desire to have peace. It didn’t come overnight. It didn’t come in two weeks or two months.  But once I was willing, I had to be honest with myself and with other people. I stopped trying to manipulate people to get what I wanted.  I wasn’t interested in little white lies or great big giant ones.  I wanted to be authentic; I wanted to know me.

What I found was a change in myself at first. If someone asked me how I was, it was a difficult question at first.  I felt awful and I didn’t want to tell other people how I felt.  I avoided the topic. Eventually, I was able to be honest but brief. “I’m not 100% today but the day’s not over.” I was not a positive thinker but I had one in my life who was having amazing results and I was throwing everything I had into it. I am very grateful for her today.

I started being completely honest with people. If they asked me if I wanted to do something that I really didn’t want to do, I told them in the kindest way I could think of without making excuses. “I would love to spend time with you.  Can we go to the movies instead?” Then I left the decision with them. And when things didn’t go the way I would have liked it to go, I took care of myself.  For some reason, women like to suggest baths as a form of relaxation so I tried that at first.  It wasn’t my cup of tea.  Of course, the first time I did that I thought there was something wrong with me. Everyone else likes baths!  What don’t I like baths? 

Then I made it okay for me not to like baths.  So, I looked for other things. Some of them made me happy and I enjoyed them and others of them weren’t for me. But allowing myself two things made all the difference. First, I made it a priority to look into things that made me happy. I had never been given this a child, at least not that I recalled. I wanted to find what made my soul sing. I wanted to know what I was good at, what I was a beginner at, if I had any creativity, how it would feel to have my body do certain activities. This took time too, and I still do it. Second, I made it okay to “fail.” I put the word in quotes because I don’t feel they were failures now. At the time however, it felt like failing. I asked myself what the worst possible thing could be if I failed at what I was trying.  Well, I could look like a fool. People would make fun of me. I might get physically hurt at some of them. I might lose money. I would have wasted time. And then I said that that was okay.  I would still be okay if any of those things happened.  But I couldn’t NOT know any longer.  I had sunk as deep as I wanted to go; I wanted to know how high I could fly.

I started to find that as I was paying attention to what made me happy, what didn’t feel good and the things in my life that I could control that more opportunities and more ideas for feeling good came to me. It might be an ad that I see in a magazine, a song on the radio, a snippet of conversation overheard at the store.  My perception was expanding and I was noticing more and more amazing things coming into my experience. I thought they were coincidences but I chose to follow the ones I liked and gave myself time and space to explore them.

99% of the things I dreaded didn’t come to pass. And when they did, I was comfortable enough with my own vulnerability that I could approach my friends or family or strangers who said something to me.  If they were open to it, I explained how my choice was making me happy.  If they were not, I let them be and gave them space to process their own emotions in whatever way they chose.  Most people in our lives want us to be happy. But I have found that they do not know what makes me happy. Only what makes them happy. So I listened to what made them happy. If I wanted to, I tried it.  If it didn’t resonate with me, I thanked them for sharing their experience with me. Ultimately, I expressed my love and support to them in whatever fashion they were willing to receive. My desire was to be love. The question I asked myself from a book I had read was “What would love do now?”  Love would be and allow others to be.

A friend of mine many years ago shared something with me.  She put a picture of herself as a little baby on her fridge and reminded herself that that little innocent baby is how God sees her and how we came to this world.  When I wanted to beat myself up and tell myself how awful I am, I looked at a picture of me as a child buried in sand at the beach with a huge grin on my face.  And I felt love for that child.  I share this with you so that if it helps you when you are low, you may think of yourself as that child. After all, that child is you.

Earlier this year, I had a spiritual awakening. I understood how we are all desirous of making ourselves happy.  It is what we are seeking. We are seeking pleasure, to feel joy. I was always a bleeding heart as some would say but I now experienced compassion and love of myself.  I am not perfect, nor do I now desire to be. I desire to be love and I had to learn how to do that for myself.  When I could do that for myself, I did not see any separation between myself and others.

And it was the most beautiful life-giving experience I have ever known.

That is what I refer to as my spiritual awakening. I was in love with life and wanted to be and share joy. Shortly after that, in a matter of two months actually, my ascension began.  I started being contacted by spirit and my journey continues.

I want to share one more thing.  I have received this message many times and am awed each time.  I was not supposed to wake up.  I came here for a completely different purpose.  I woke myself up through surrender, acceptance and self-love.

My desire for you is to use what works from this post and leave the rest.  Only you know what resonates with you.  You are loved. I love you. The Universe loves you.  Your angels are with you right now.  (They’re so excited for you!)

And I wish you peace.

Namaste.

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