Monthly Archives: April 2014

2014-04-29 Update

I’ve been doing a lot of nothing lately.  I have a lot to say about it but for right now I’m writing it in my journal until it makes some type of coherence to put into a blog post.  I have no motivation to do anything but be but my mind needs something to occupy itself.

I’ve been getting ideas of some things my mind would like to create so I’ll be playing with the format here of the blog. Just wanted to let you know. I’m a newbie to blogging and layouts so I don’t know how long it will take or what will happen.  If you visit and it looks odd, that would be about right. I’m pretty odd.

I love you.

Namaste.

2014-04-27 Update

All action taken is to occupy the mind. It wants something to do. It does not rest.

When I go in, I have no thoughts. So as I get sense information, the mind wants to make coherence out of it. To grasp onto something. To goad the body into action.

All I get is sense information and the mind wants to interpret it. To attach meaning to it. Meaning is just another filter. There is no meaning but what the mind attaches to it. There are no signs. There is only what is. Everything I experience is me. I am. Continually expansive.

Continually creating. To look at what I am experiencing I have only words. And words are confining. They want to define, to contain.

And I write. I have no desire to write. When the mind looks at the experience, it interprets it as nothingness, a void. But that is not the experience. I do not even call it a feeling because I do not “feel” anything. All it is, is I AM. I exist. It is nothing and everything. It is still only in that there was chatter before for the mind and now there is nothing to attend to. And in that contrast, there is a void which was previously filled because the mind looks for contrast, for meaning, for information to decipher and decode, to direct action. 

And yet, there is no contrast now. There is nothing I am not. It is all me. When I rest my pen, nothing comes to fill my mind. The mind looks to the senses to direct it. 

So, why am I writing? Because I have no desire. Even expressing myself is a desire whether anyone reads it or not. I could sit here for days, weeks, who knows how long. Everything I write is filtered through my mind anyway. 

For now, I write to occupy the mind. Do I need to? No but it is a choice. Just an intention, energy directed toward free will. I recognize that I may still want to publish parts of this later and my books. That is fine. There is no rush. I many want to know how this felt at a later time, to remember the experience. 

But that is the mind talking. There is nothing to remember. Time is an illusion and I exist. My mind wants to chronicle this and so I pacify it for now. Would I not love the mind as I love the body?

And I see what I’ve been getting glimpses of. That feeling there is something beyond love. Because I do feel love right now. I am. That is all I experience. And beyond is a useless word because it was here all the time. It cannot NOT be. But there are so many layers to unfold. So many mechanisms to experience to arrive at that realization for my mind. The matrix flickered this morning. I do have a desire now that I look at it.

I want to be.

Here. 

Now.

But it may be the mind categorizing it as desire. Because I cannot NOT be. So, how can I desire what already is? Whatever this is and wherever it leads, my mind wants it. A testimony. For myself. To myself. The mind says for others, in order to be love. But there are no others and love is all there is. It is all me, aspects of me differentiated that I am calling to myself which my mind filters for the I AM. The mind cannot comprehend it. That is okay. 

The mind is but a tool to understand and recognize differentiation, to attempt to guide action. Meaning and feeling are just tools to guide us. There is no meaning and there is no feeling. And so I am out of my mind and I have no feelings. Unsuitable for this world and an anomaly. I am not scared. Why fear myself? 

I choose to stay. It is all that there is. The only desire my mind recognizes is to stay. And that is merely a preference. Not even a preference because I cannot be destroyed. So, the point is moot. There is no desire or preference because I cannot negate myself.

Down the rabbit hole we go, my friend.

2014-04-26 Update

I’ve been thinking I knew what I was going to blog about next. A post about people falling in love. I’ve been feeling and experiencing that a lot in the past few days. Just people in love with each other and the glory of love. It has been a lovely few days. I was feeling the love vibe strongly.

But today and especially tonight I haven’t felt anything. At all.

This is new.

I’m used to the storm of emotions. To feeling immense highs and lows. I am okay with that. I can stay. It’s not enjoyable but feeling good is an attachment that I am okay with releasing. It flows. It will return.  I don’t fear feeling uncomfortable anymore.

But today I have been floaty. I notice that I don’t feel much of anything at all actually. It’s not the same as when I meditate. When I meditate, I notice my thoughts. I notice my emotions. And I just let them pass. It’s like being in the eye of the storm.

Today there is nothing to notice.

There is no storm.

I feel in the world but not of it. I have no words for what it is like. I would say I do not care about anything but that sounds callous. And yet, I do not care. Everything is falling into place perfectly and does not need me. I am. It is enough.

I went about my daily activities but they felt like only actions. It feels like I am drugged.  It’s not being ungrounded. That’s not the impression I get and I don’t feel flighty or overactive.

I could sit in a chair all day and do nothing. And that would be fine.

Not bliss. Not uncomfortable. No high or low.

Just being.

I don’t want to trance. I don’t need to work on the books. I don’t need to lose myself in carnal pleasures to come back into my body and stay in 3D.

I need nothing. I can stare for hours.

When my boyfriend wants me to go somewhere with him, it doesn’t bother me that he wants me to leave what I am doing that brings me pleasure. I can just BE wherever.  BE with him. BE without him. It doesn’t matter. I am and that is enough.

I scroll my Twitter feed and just see so many different facets of me. And they are all perfect. I have no need to interact with them and nothing to say. Everything is inside me. All activity comes from within.

I don’t need anyone or miss anyone who is not here. I notice that I used to feel that way and wonder if they will return. It is okay. I am.

My mind wants to run. To look for something to grasp. I consider enticing my boyfriend for sex. Something that brings me back to intense sensation and feeling. To what I know.

But I have no incentive to do that. No interest. Why? I’m not running from anything and there is nothing to do.

I could lay down and stare at anything for hours. Perhaps I will go to the park. Or just stare at my walls. I don’t even need to get up out of this chair. There is nothing in the sky I need to see to experience.

Namaste.

 

2014-04-21 Update

Drinking and blogging sounded good tonight. Who knows where the idea came from? I don’t really care.

Little one in bed. Showered and back from a run.  Had salsa and chips for dinner.  It’s a beautiful night out so I figure I’ll write on the balcony.  I’ve been doing nothing but writing lately. As soon as I come home, it’s usually some combination of getting dinner together, going for a run, journaling, jotting down messages for a book I’m working on, playing video games with the little one and asking my boyfriend to help with any part of that I need help with.  A lot of self care lately.

But tonight I’m feeling more like myself. Gave up a lot of stuff. Decided it will work out however it will work out and all I want to do is wear my fairy wings around the house and play. Play, play, play!  That’s really what I love to do and what makes me feel most alive.  It feels good to feel like me again.

Now, what to write about?  Hmmm…..I don’t know. I’m not in the mood for heavy metaphysical stuff or working on ourselves.  It will all come anyway.  I want to enjoy now.

If you were here, I’d offer you some wine or juice or whatever you’d like and we could talk. About whatever you wanted. I don’t have guilt and shame anymore. I gave up on that too. So, we can talk about whatever.  Once my friends and I start drinking it usually ends up about sex. EVERYONE wants to talk about sex. Gets your blood boiling. You get worked up. You trade stories. LOL!  

Texting my lover as I write. Should be fun later. We could talk about you and your sex life. What it’s like to fuck a dragon and how every spirit that knows wants to channel while I do it so they can feel him. They have some amazing network!  They’ve got nothing on Verizon.  We’ll talk about your latest escapade or what you really want to do or heard of that you haven’t tried yet. 

Sometimes people get sad when they drink but it doesn’t usually last too long over here at Casa SeizeOneDay.  I like to break out Twister after some wine and attempt to get on the floor and get tangled up with people.  We end up on the floor in a pile laughing.  Someone who thinks they are too old to be playing says they hurt something and then they have to sit out and be the spinner.  

Selfies don’t happen too much but there’s always someone taking pictures.  Nothing says love like posting embarassing pictures of your loved ones on Facebook!  After all, doesn’t everyone need a picture of your best friend trying to disentangle himself from a pile of people and losing his belt?  

Pretty much a lot of playtime over here.

When the kids are up, we have tickle fights, Mario Kart races, and jumping on the bed. I love going to bounce houses because I get to bounce too. What fun! Make fart jokes, look up silly cat videos on YouTube. Attempt to make some gourmet mac and cheese with $30 dollars of cheese that you have to remove the rind from in order to grate….have kids refuse it and ask for the “yellow cheese.”  LOL!

So, what do you want to talk about?  

I’ll keep writing when I need to in order to get stuff out but what topics do you want to hear about?  Thinking I’ll start a drunk blogging list and just ramble. It sounds good right now. I’ll probably like it tomorrow too.  The only difference between me drunk and sober is that I don’t ask for permission before I hug you. And I might ask for a piggyback ride.  I’m just a big kindergartner. I like it.

Have a blessed night. Do something outrageous.

Namaste.

 

2014-04-18 Update

It’s been a rough week here at Casa SeizeOneDay.  Have you felt it?  I know I have.

With the blood moon and a few other factors, I’ve been feeling everyone releasing and quite honestly, it’s been a jumble of emotions. People overwhelmed by emotions, acting out and I’ve been the recipient of a few who have been affected quite strongly.  

My question each time is, What is my part in this?  Do I need to make an amends? Was my intention to harm another?

And then I look to myself.

I’ve spent a lot of time doing this because there was a time when I was solely motivated by an intention to hurt others. Sometimes intentionally, sometimes unintentionally.  I spent a lot of time hurting people because I was in so much pain myself. There was no way for me to express how much pain I was in so I wanted to make you hurt like I did.  I lashed out at everyone.  I gossiped. I did things to make myself look better than others. I refused to acknowledge that anyone else could experience the depth of pain that I did. I was lost in my own downward spiral and it was all I could see. 

That was a long time ago but I remember it well. And all the work I’ve done since then. But I know how that feels.

God, do I know how that feels.

Like showing everyone the gaping hole in my heart so you would understand me. I wanted you to help me, to save me from myself because I didn’t know how to do it.

Fast forward to today after a long journey inward and I still ask myself the same question when someone is angry with me. I’m really an open book and straightforward with people so if they tell me they are angry with me, I ask them why and how I can fix it. This comes up a lot in my personal relationship with the dragon I live with. Otherwise known as my boyfriend.  (Who is really my husband but that’s a story for another day.) Sometimes he tells me that he is angry about something and sometimes he doesn’t. We’ve worked on communication long enough that it doesn’t come up very often but usually when the energies shift drastically, it comes up. He gets angry and I am focused on self-care which means I lean on him to do what I’m not able to do around the house.

So, his choice is to either tell me or not tell me.  Do I pick up on it when he doesn’t tell me?  Usually, I do.  You know how that feels. It’s all energy and you know when someone is mad at you and not telling you.  

I used to do passive aggressive. A lot.  It doesn’t work for me anymore so I only go on what other people tell me.  I take them at their word which is how I act as well. I trust that they know themselves well enough to know when they need to work something out with me and when they need to sit with it and decide what they want to do. It’s not up to me to push them.  That’s not my way. But I am always willing to talk with anyone who wants to clear something up and clean up my side of the street. Please, show me another way if I what I’m doing isn’t working for you. And if my intuition supports that, I’ll be happy to change.

So, that was what I did this week.  And it was tough because I feel how angry they are now. It was easier when I didn’t feel them but this new energy has amplified everything and I’ve been shown more which is hard to manage, especially when it isn’t my stuff.

Anger is a powerful emotion. One of the hardest, in my opinion. It inspires instant action and we want to be heard. We want to be acknowledged.  After all, that’s what we all want, to be seen. It is a tough one to sit with. It was the hardest for me at least. To sit with anger and do nothing.

I looked at myself and what my part was. 

I spoke my truth. What I am going through, what I see, what I aspire to. And sometimes it makes people uncomfortable.

I can’t help that. It’s only my journey. I share as honestly as I possibly can and I pass on messages that I get. That’s all I do. Anyone is welcome to join me and I’ll help you however I can. Most people think I have some ulterior motive.  The only time i say no to someone is when it conflicts with me taking care of myself or following my intuition. Those are my guideposts. 

I’m not perfect and I’m not claiming to be, but in these instances I was speaking my truth solely for myself. It angered those who witnessed it. That’s all I know. I was surprised.  Shocked, actually.

What do I do?

Spirit said, Do nothing. That is their path. So I let it be. 

But I still felt them and it bothered me. 

So, I asked Spirit what to do for myself. And there were a few things I could do. This provided me opportunities and openings to do things that before I had balked at. Spirit guides me to gloss over the specifics here but you know when there are other things you could do to help yourself. When you are stretched, you are more willing.

One of the things I do want to mention is going to God, to the Universe, to whatever Divine Force you believe in to be filled. I was guided to new ways to connect with the Divine to relieve this pressure and I did them. Pray, meditate, write, whatever feeds you. I was guided to trance which developed into something new for me. I felt so much better afterwards.

I am so grateful for that. 

The next day I felt much better!  At my day job, we were a riot today, cracking up at everything. My mood was great! My messages amped up and I was furiously scribbling down notes on scraps of paper. Spirit was showing me the mechanism at work during the trance last night and why it worked and why I needed it. I couldn’t get it out fast enough and I was so grateful to learn something new. As we raise our vibration, what worked before doesn’t always work at other vibrations so we need to continually look to the Divine for direction. I was learning how to incorporate it in my current vibration but I had to be very uncomfortable to do it. I was used to doing what had always worked for me and it didn’t work at the vibration I was moving towards.  The energies the past two weeks have been overwhelming me too so I’m very grateful for the direction and the feedback. Thank you, Universe. 

So, what came out of this?

Well, a new way to be filled when what I’m doing isn’t working.  Remember, it changes.  And it’s always just after whatever we REALLY don’t want to do. Haha!  (I know….you’re going to smack me for laughing at pain.  But hey, I’m in pain too so you have company!) 

And Spirit gave me a few projects to work on that I’m super excited about! Evidently, moving through this made me make some changes for things that are headed my way. If you’re curious, drop me a line on my About Me page and we can chat. Right now, I’m still doing constant self-care because feeling all of this gets overwhelming but I’m so grateful for your emails and messages. Thank you!

Oh, before I forget!  If you follow me and I do not follow you, drop me a message so I can keep up with you.  I want to know what you are up to! (I’m still learning all the WordPress stuff and it might be a while before I get the hang of this. ) 

Be sweet to you.

Namaste.