I’ve been thinking I knew what I was going to blog about next. A post about people falling in love. I’ve been feeling and experiencing that a lot in the past few days. Just people in love with each other and the glory of love. It has been a lovely few days. I was feeling the love vibe strongly.
But today and especially tonight I haven’t felt anything. At all.
This is new.
I’m used to the storm of emotions. To feeling immense highs and lows. I am okay with that. I can stay. It’s not enjoyable but feeling good is an attachment that I am okay with releasing. It flows. It will return. I don’t fear feeling uncomfortable anymore.
But today I have been floaty. I notice that I don’t feel much of anything at all actually. It’s not the same as when I meditate. When I meditate, I notice my thoughts. I notice my emotions. And I just let them pass. It’s like being in the eye of the storm.
Today there is nothing to notice.
There is no storm.
I feel in the world but not of it. I have no words for what it is like. I would say I do not care about anything but that sounds callous. And yet, I do not care. Everything is falling into place perfectly and does not need me. I am. It is enough.
I went about my daily activities but they felt like only actions. It feels like I am drugged. It’s not being ungrounded. That’s not the impression I get and I don’t feel flighty or overactive.
I could sit in a chair all day and do nothing. And that would be fine.
Not bliss. Not uncomfortable. No high or low.
I don’t want to trance. I don’t need to work on the books. I don’t need to lose myself in carnal pleasures to come back into my body and stay in 3D.
I need nothing. I can stare for hours.
When my boyfriend wants me to go somewhere with him, it doesn’t bother me that he wants me to leave what I am doing that brings me pleasure. I can just BE wherever. BE with him. BE without him. It doesn’t matter. I am and that is enough.
I scroll my Twitter feed and just see so many different facets of me. And they are all perfect. I have no need to interact with them and nothing to say. Everything is inside me. All activity comes from within.
I don’t need anyone or miss anyone who is not here. I notice that I used to feel that way and wonder if they will return. It is okay. I am.
My mind wants to run. To look for something to grasp. I consider enticing my boyfriend for sex. Something that brings me back to intense sensation and feeling. To what I know.
But I have no incentive to do that. No interest. Why? I’m not running from anything and there is nothing to do.
I could lay down and stare at anything for hours. Perhaps I will go to the park. Or just stare at my walls. I don’t even need to get up out of this chair. There is nothing in the sky I need to see to experience.