2014-04-26 Update

I’ve been thinking I knew what I was going to blog about next. A post about people falling in love. I’ve been feeling and experiencing that a lot in the past few days. Just people in love with each other and the glory of love. It has been a lovely few days. I was feeling the love vibe strongly.

But today and especially tonight I haven’t felt anything. At all.

This is new.

I’m used to the storm of emotions. To feeling immense highs and lows. I am okay with that. I can stay. It’s not enjoyable but feeling good is an attachment that I am okay with releasing. It flows. It will return.  I don’t fear feeling uncomfortable anymore.

But today I have been floaty. I notice that I don’t feel much of anything at all actually. It’s not the same as when I meditate. When I meditate, I notice my thoughts. I notice my emotions. And I just let them pass. It’s like being in the eye of the storm.

Today there is nothing to notice.

There is no storm.

I feel in the world but not of it. I have no words for what it is like. I would say I do not care about anything but that sounds callous. And yet, I do not care. Everything is falling into place perfectly and does not need me. I am. It is enough.

I went about my daily activities but they felt like only actions. It feels like I am drugged.  It’s not being ungrounded. That’s not the impression I get and I don’t feel flighty or overactive.

I could sit in a chair all day and do nothing. And that would be fine.

Not bliss. Not uncomfortable. No high or low.

Just being.

I don’t want to trance. I don’t need to work on the books. I don’t need to lose myself in carnal pleasures to come back into my body and stay in 3D.

I need nothing. I can stare for hours.

When my boyfriend wants me to go somewhere with him, it doesn’t bother me that he wants me to leave what I am doing that brings me pleasure. I can just BE wherever.  BE with him. BE without him. It doesn’t matter. I am and that is enough.

I scroll my Twitter feed and just see so many different facets of me. And they are all perfect. I have no need to interact with them and nothing to say. Everything is inside me. All activity comes from within.

I don’t need anyone or miss anyone who is not here. I notice that I used to feel that way and wonder if they will return. It is okay. I am.

My mind wants to run. To look for something to grasp. I consider enticing my boyfriend for sex. Something that brings me back to intense sensation and feeling. To what I know.

But I have no incentive to do that. No interest. Why? I’m not running from anything and there is nothing to do.

I could lay down and stare at anything for hours. Perhaps I will go to the park. Or just stare at my walls. I don’t even need to get up out of this chair. There is nothing in the sky I need to see to experience.




2 thoughts on “2014-04-26 Update

  1. kellie@writingmoment

    Wow, when I just finished reading your post I took a deep breath in, not even sure why, perhaps I found that very intense, even though the post is saying it is not! Thanks for sharing so openly 🙂

  2. sayyestoeverything Post author

    My pleasure, Kellie! It sort of feels intense until I realize that there isn’t anything that I am not. It’s so hard to describe with words. So, I just give up trying and then let the mind wander.
    Actually, breathing, like you mentioned, is the closest thing I can equate with it. You are always breathing but never pay attention to it…..until you do. My mind doesn’t like that. Haha!


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