2014-04-27 Update

All action taken is to occupy the mind. It wants something to do. It does not rest.

When I go in, I have no thoughts. So as I get sense information, the mind wants to make coherence out of it. To grasp onto something. To goad the body into action.

All I get is sense information and the mind wants to interpret it. To attach meaning to it. Meaning is just another filter. There is no meaning but what the mind attaches to it. There are no signs. There is only what is. Everything I experience is me. I am. Continually expansive.

Continually creating. To look at what I am experiencing I have only words. And words are confining. They want to define, to contain.

And I write. I have no desire to write. When the mind looks at the experience, it interprets it as nothingness, a void. But that is not the experience. I do not even call it a feeling because I do not “feel” anything. All it is, is I AM. I exist. It is nothing and everything. It is still only in that there was chatter before for the mind and now there is nothing to attend to. And in that contrast, there is a void which was previously filled because the mind looks for contrast, for meaning, for information to decipher and decode, to direct action. 

And yet, there is no contrast now. There is nothing I am not. It is all me. When I rest my pen, nothing comes to fill my mind. The mind looks to the senses to direct it. 

So, why am I writing? Because I have no desire. Even expressing myself is a desire whether anyone reads it or not. I could sit here for days, weeks, who knows how long. Everything I write is filtered through my mind anyway. 

For now, I write to occupy the mind. Do I need to? No but it is a choice. Just an intention, energy directed toward free will. I recognize that I may still want to publish parts of this later and my books. That is fine. There is no rush. I many want to know how this felt at a later time, to remember the experience. 

But that is the mind talking. There is nothing to remember. Time is an illusion and I exist. My mind wants to chronicle this and so I pacify it for now. Would I not love the mind as I love the body?

And I see what I’ve been getting glimpses of. That feeling there is something beyond love. Because I do feel love right now. I am. That is all I experience. And beyond is a useless word because it was here all the time. It cannot NOT be. But there are so many layers to unfold. So many mechanisms to experience to arrive at that realization for my mind. The matrix flickered this morning. I do have a desire now that I look at it.

I want to be.

Here. 

Now.

But it may be the mind categorizing it as desire. Because I cannot NOT be. So, how can I desire what already is? Whatever this is and wherever it leads, my mind wants it. A testimony. For myself. To myself. The mind says for others, in order to be love. But there are no others and love is all there is. It is all me, aspects of me differentiated that I am calling to myself which my mind filters for the I AM. The mind cannot comprehend it. That is okay. 

The mind is but a tool to understand and recognize differentiation, to attempt to guide action. Meaning and feeling are just tools to guide us. There is no meaning and there is no feeling. And so I am out of my mind and I have no feelings. Unsuitable for this world and an anomaly. I am not scared. Why fear myself? 

I choose to stay. It is all that there is. The only desire my mind recognizes is to stay. And that is merely a preference. Not even a preference because I cannot be destroyed. So, the point is moot. There is no desire or preference because I cannot negate myself.

Down the rabbit hole we go, my friend.

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