I woke up this morning thinking about creating, our creative power and Divine will. In particular about some closure I was given recently regarding my two miscarriages.
Presently, I have one child born from this body. My seven year old son is a source of joy and constant learning. He keeps me busy! The dragon has an eight year old son who is with us every other weekend but spends the rest of his time with his mother who lives three states away.
I’ve been with the dragon for five years now and my mother called this week to ask what we were doing for our second wedding anniversary. Evidently it is tomorrow. I didn’t know. I don’t keep track of it.
When people ask, I tell them that he is my boyfriend. First because the sex is better with boyfriends. Second, I never wanted to get married again. I have nothing against marriage; I just didn’t feel that I would want a husband again or to be a wife, at least in any form with which I was familiar.
The dragon and I had talked about it and we were committed and didn’t feel that getting married would add anything to our lives. We were together because we chose to be and couldn’t imagine life with anyone else. We knew what we wanted to do together and what we wanted to build. It didn’t matter to us what others thought of whether we were married or not.
The dragon and I had talked about whether we wanted more children and for several reasons decided not to. In January of 2012 he had a vasectomy which was verified three times as successful by his doctor’s testing. In March of 2012 I was laid off from my last corporate job. In hindsight, it was the best thing that could have happened to me. Then in late April I found myself surprisingly pregnant.
We contacted his doctor. He was obviously stunned. He had never had a patient have this happen. He said that he could repeat the procedure and remove three more inches to secure the possibility of regrowth. The dragon made an appointment to go back under the knife and we talked about what we wanted to do about the pregnancy.
I took it as a sign from God. We could do whatever we wanted but if God wanted us to have children there really wasn’t much we could do about that. I started getting excited about having a newborn again. There is nothing like that newborn smell and the beautiful bond of breastfeeding. I had missed it.
However, I did need health insurance for medical care. My son was born with the umbilical cord wrapped around his neck two times and he was blue with a low survival rate when he was born. A homebirth and doula weren’t for me. The time he spent in the NICU after I was released from the hospital to go home were some of the hardest days of my life. I didn’t want to repeat them.
So we decided to get married so I could get on his health insurance. We told our four closest friends and our parents. We didn’t tell our parents about the pregnancy though. I really only told my mother about the marriage because she would be too hurt if I didn’t and she came. On Saturday afternoon we were married in the local park under a weeping willow tree by a judge. We went away that weekend to the New Jersey shore.
On Monday, I had some irregular symptoms and by Tuesday I had miscarried.
It felt like the joke was on me. I had done everything I thought I could to prevent this from happening. Then it happened and I turned my will over to Divine will. Then it was gone. I was devastated. Gratefully, it was a peaceful process that I could do on my own without medical intervention. We started picking up the pieces and moving forward the best we could.
The dragon had his second vasectomy a few months later. Three more inches of tubing removed and cauterized. Fail safe, right?
I was pregnant again.
There was no way this was possible.
I was not excited this time. We talked about all sort of options but decided that again it was Divine will so we would follow what we were given. We changed all of our plans for the future and started preparing for a new baby. We only told our parents and just put one foot in front of the other while we looked at new housing and collecting baby furniture. Two adults, two kids and a newborn would not fit in our two bedroom apartment. We started attending prenatal appointments together and looking at ultrasounds. I changed my diet and took all the precautions I could.
A few months in I became very ill at work. I ended up going home and lying in bed in pain for several hours. I made an appointment to see my OB/GYN the next day. He confirmed that I was miscarrying again.
This time it was not peaceful. I spent the next two weeks in bed tossing and turning. I had to leave work and drop out of my art classes because I was unable to stand to sketch. One night I took a turn for the worse and I was taken by ambulance to the hospital. It was an excruciatingly painful and medically invasive night and next day.
When we got home, I was no longer pregnant and I had a tortured body to heal and care for.
And like that, life changes again.
We talked about other forms of birth control but really, what was the point?
After going through all those stages Elizabeth Kubler-Ross describes, I decided that any child that came through this body belonged with God and not me. If I was pregnant again, we would give the child up for adoption to parents who desapartely wanted a baby but were unable to have one.
I woke up several months later.
About nine months after I woke up in the beginning of this year, I had very odd sensations and symptoms. I was led to several others living on prana and that was part of it but not all. I went to several healers who gave me pieces of what was happening but no definite clarity. Through asking for guidance and amazing synchronicities, I was talking to a friend of mine who is a medical intuitive and names angels. She is a beautiful seer I am grateful to know. She told me that I was carrying an astral pregnancy.
It fit perfectly with my symptoms. She had had them as well. Her current one had manifested in the physical. I asked a few questions and am so grateful to have been led to her and that she shares her experience and insight.
My mind was grateful for a place to rest and I set to work doing everything I could to care for myself. I know a little about it and have talked to Stella about it several times. I am still pregnant and learning bits and pieces of different stages. I don’t ask too much because the brain melt can keep me from being present so I ask for guidance when a new stage begins. For today, I am content with that and grateful.
I’ve had some inclinations about what these pregnancies meant when we clearly did not want to have children. This week through working with Stella and my and the dragon’s spirit guides, I received confirmation. These souls were not intended to incarnate here. I am grateful because that puts my mind at ease that this was not something I did. They chose to come to illustrate the power of creation and the creative power we each have. The personal messages they shared with us about what this means were mind-blowing.
I am also humbled by the knowledge that no amount of what I do can override Divine will. I find this comforting and useful, especially with some of the timelines I’ve been seeing lately.
For today, I’m going to focus on caring for myself and others. I’ve been making some progress on working with my body and my body elemental for which I am immensely grateful. It is so lovely to be grateful for the fact of simply being alive.
I love you.