I feel awful.
I am depressed.
I am having suicidal thoughts.
I am considering revisiting some old behaviors I haven’t done in many years.
Today is day two of this experience.
Yesterday I practiced self-care, did some pendulum work, meditated, pulled a card and talked to Stella.
Another energy shift.
I am grateful to know it’s not me. Lately I’ve found my groove again and been turning over my will to the Divine more and more. It’s been a smooth ride.
Sometimes I feel the energy shifts; sometimes I don’t. I heard about a few energy changes but I don’t follow anything religiously. There’s always something happening and if I need to know, I’m usually led to it. (Seriously, you could drive yourself crazy with all the energy updates out there. It’s a full time job!)
I’ve been asking to have how I feel others’ shifts change. Sometimes I feel when it affects people positively but most times, change is met with fear and that is what is put out. When I feel them, the experience ranges from annoyance and feeling hurried to anger and depression.
The story I’ve been telling myself is that this experience helps me cultivate compassion. But I’ve getting signs of other things and that I don’t have to experience this in this way if I don’t want to. That would be most welcome. I don’t mind some of the shifts but this one is pretty dramatic. I don’t think I need to keep experiencing this to be compassionate. I’m okay being compassionate and having new experiences to cultivate empathy instead or whatever else Spirit has in store.
I’m also aware that I don’t want to create some martyr story for myself. It is possible to have compassion and be happy. I don’t have to sacrifice my own happiness in order for someone else to have theirs. There is abundant happiness.
I asked Stella for some help this afternoon. I can feel that I’m missing part of the message in this experience but I can’t pull it all together. I know that I’m creating this experience with my thoughts but I’m not sure how to turn it around.
Me: What am I missing?
Stella: What do you want to be seeing?
M: I don’t understand.
S: You are looking at what has been there before to color what you are feeling. What if you just look at what is?
M: Like observing?
S: Similar to that. What if you just looked at what came up as fresh and new? You’re using old glasses to view a sensation.
Me: I see. (I think.)
I’ve gotten this sense information before and my mind put an attachment of hurt, pain, loss, uncomfortable, something along those lines on it. And now when I run into that sense information, I give it that label again based on past experience.
Is this why I’ve been seeing those signs of “no labels” lately?
S: Yes, precisely. You are getting new information but using old words for it.
M: How do I change this?
S: Listen. Be open. Pay attention to where you feel. And look at your thoughts.
Putting this together with the messages I’ve been getting lately about ego and manifesting (which are still coming in), I have gathered that I need to pay attention to the sensations that I’m receiving when these shifts occur. Some of them are physical but more of them feel more like the way my intuition feels. That knowingness or noncognitive feeling that something exists. It’s hard to explain but that’s why we have the word intuition, I guess.
What I’ve surmised (so far) is that I’m getting this feeling from the shifts and the only way my mind can process it is through pathways that I already have. Some of this goes along with the body work and shifting my attention and thought patterns that I will post later. It seems that my mind is trying to make sense out of the sensations and the closest or easiest path for it to transcribe it using reason is by latching onto old thought patterns. The latest thought patterns are from when I was suicidal. I don’t know why this is exactly but I get the feeling that I since I spent so much of my life tracing that pattern over and over, it is an easy path for the mind to choose.
For the record, I’m not suicidal. I’m not taking any action. Gratefully, I know enough to wait it out until it passes. I’m pretty pleased that this happened actually. I knew that I wasn’t unhappy and didn’t understand why I would feel that way. Now that I think about it….I’m thrilled this happened! I’m being shown how I can direct my thoughts to form new pathways and take a fresh look at what I am actually feeling before I listen to what my mind is telling me.
This was also a great reminder that the current mental health system is not adequate to help those who are awakening. I am grateful to know that today and excited for the changes coming in the future.
So, yes. I am immensely grateful that I had thoughts of killing myself. I never thought I’d say that but now I wouldn’t trade it for anything.
I needed to get this out today and hopefully it will make more sense when I put up my body work posts later this week. For now, I’m off for a long awaited run in the sunshine.
I love you.