I absolutely adore madness. It breaks me through faster than anything else.
I don’t always know when it’s coming. I can’t predict it. And I always fight it in the beginning because it takes me right out of the reality that I “think” exists. That safety and security I have put in labels like Mother, Friend, Lover, Sarah, Reality. As if a word could encompass a fluid relating or make that relating sustainable. My mind just grasps. It’s all it can do, really. Poor little mind. I can’t blame the mind for doing its job.
The only premonition I had of this one was a conversation I had with the dragon a week or so ago. I asked him what it was like for him when I spent those days in the I AM in the summertime.
I know I remember them but I was the one experiencing I AM for days on end. He was the one who wanted an opinion, a meal to eat, someone to talk to.
I have no interest in anything other than what I’m experiencing while I’m mad. I become consumed and the dragon pretty much fends for himself while I come apart and reassemble again and again.
This was triggered by a combination of two things. First were messages from Spirit which were given to me by a new friend. We both knew we needed to get together but didn’t know why or what we would do. It ended up that my guides had A LOT they wanted me to know and I was a captive audience while we were together. Second was a message I’ve been getting loud and clear for several weeks that has been wearing away at my ego and my own pride in past accomplishments. Guiding me to read between the lines and release attachment to identity. Separating from Sarah and moving toward….?
They give me one word.
After the discharge of energy on Saturday, I had a lovely night.
But Sunday was different.
I had no idea this had been brewing and I tried to fight it for several hours. Eventually, I couldn’t function and succumbed.
Anything I would do to try to explain it would fall short. It’s the same reason I never got around to writing a blog post on what kything turned into. It was life-changing but we don’t want to know. What changes us is the experience. That response which is evoked from moving through something. The flow of the heart, not the mind.
What is important for you is YOUR experience. Not really my words about mine.
Besides, without words there is so much more room for expansion and imagination.
But for me, at least right now, balance is a nice word.
For my mind.
And for me, balance is important when I want to maintain the status quo and I have a lot of balls in the air. I have something that I want to accomplish and I need some time to manifest it. I keep things balanced…..sometimes.
But what keeps me feeling alive? What drives me to further and further imaginings?
Recklessness. Unabashed zeal and vulnerability. Disregarding everything I’ve heard from others and finding out for myself. Jumping without regard for my own life, safety or security.
This is what has brought me peak experiences which have catapulted my own journey. And then the in-between times where I work on balance show me that those things were there all the time. And peak experiences are really nothing to be sought. After all, how can you seek yourself?
I love the mad.
I am the mad.
I contradict myself.
All the time.
It makes sense to me and luckily no one asks because it would take me hours to explain.
So thank you for letting me be me.
I love you.