Tuesday night I was extremely angry. I’d come home from angel class and the message for me was to trust and give up control. This did not go over well. I’d been working on something – suggested by Spirit – that was not coming to fruition in what I thought was an acceptable time frame.
So I did what any ego would do.
I decided to stop talking to all my guides. I boxed up all my cards, oils, crystals and paraphernalia. Put them in the closet and decided I was going to go on my own for awhile. I was livid.
Yes, I am a petulant child. I have always known this.
Fast forward to Wednesday morning 11:33 a.m. – I am in tears in the doctor’s office from back pain that has hobbled me so I can barely walk. Since then I have spent the last three and a half days at home in bed recuperating.
It only took me 30 hours in bed before I stopped fighting pain and started welcoming it.
What can I say? I can be a huge brat sometimes.
Here is the conversation from the next day when I could sit up and write. No guides. Just me.
S: You’re a rather persistent bugger, aren’t you?
P: I go where there is an opening.
S: I want to continue and review our conversation from yesterday. Will you indulge me?
P: I am still speaking to you.
S: Ok, good enough.
So yesterday you brought up some rather interesting points. I’m trying to recall them because I am not in the same headspace that I was yesterday. Before I was fighting you…..ah, I remember now. I decided to stop fighting and welcome you. Then I contacted you.
P: It is I chose to speak to you.
P: You stopped fighting.
S: Why would that matter?
P: Ever tried to have a conversation with someone who is resisting you? Do you think they heard any thing you said?
S: Oh, I get your point. So I asked you why you came.
P: Because there was an opening. I told you this already.
S: How does an opening happen?
P: I’m not telling you. What do you remember?
S: Really? You’re going to be a turd?
P: I rarely repeat myself. What do you remember?
You said that it was easy because people think that they can be hurt. When they believe that they can be hurt, there is an opening for you.
P: Yes. And then what?
S: I asked you how to seal that opening. You didn’t answer.
P: That is correct. And I will point out that then you judged me for it. You also applied one of your own beliefs to me and I told you that it was erroneous.
S: Yes. I view the reason that others treat people cruelly or harshly or inflict pain is because they are hurting themselves. Then I assumed this for you.
P: And what do you humans like to say about assuming?
S: That it makes an ass out of you and me.
P: Yes. You are wrong. I am not in pain. I am pain. I do not feel except when I am experienced by others. I am what I am and I reminded you that you were judging what you did not understand. I am not a person. I do not experience emotions like you do. I am a force flows. Did you feel any intent from me?
S: No, I did not. I can feel when I interact with most energies with malintent. I sensed no intent from you at all, simply an awareness of what you are.
P: And this is my point. I don’t have intention the way you have intention. I would not know what to do with it nor do I have a desire for it. I have no desire as you commonly think of it at all. I can feel your desire when I enter you but it is nothing that I would want. I am content in my present form. There are many beings I can inhabit.
I feel you judging me as I say this to you. Why do you judge me for being who I am?
S: I don’t like people or animals or plants or anything to be in pain.
P: Because you cannot handle your own?
S: Well, you’ve caught me at a crossroads today. In retrospect, it is useful and necessary.
P: I am stopping you here. Stop focusing on time. You have already said the important part. My existence is useful and necessary. Stop judging me. You may do more useful, to use your words, things by looking at how to address it when it arises. Do not fear me. I exist eternally.
S: I feel no malice when you say that. It’s just a statement of what it is.
P: This is true. Why would I judge myself? I am what I am. You would do well to learn that for yourself as well. Makes life much easier. Not that I know but I hear things.
S: Good point.
Another force showed up yesterday as we were talking. It felt like it was your sister or some close relative – relief.
P: Yes, she shows occasionally. We work together often.
S: She is not coming now when I call her….wait. She is here but it feels like she wants you to talk.
P: Yes because you judge me it is more suitable for you to address me and hear me. She presents to acknowledge you.
S: Ok, so relief showed up yesterday and I got the feeling you two are companions but even more than that, like siblings.
P: We are _________. (gave me a word I couldn’t make out) It means ones who travel together.
S: Yes and then suffering showed up too.
P: And you turned it away. You did not want to speak to suffering.
S: True. I did not. Perhaps now?
P: It is gone. That time, as you like to call it, has passed. Do you feel you are suffering?
S: No. I cannot remember what relief said. Can you refresh my memory?
P: Your idiom here is apt. She showed you that she enters and washes over everything. Do you remember what you did before this?
S: You are reminding me now. Once I recognized that you were in me, I declared my sovereignty and intention to have everything which is not me out of this body. A short while later was when she appeared. I was surprised that you and I could still talk but I didn’t feel you in me anymore. As I recall, you didn’t particularly like me then.
P: You had stopped the flow but did not resist me. It was your resistance of me which kept me in you. I always pass. Sometimes it takes death but it always happens. If you were more open to your experience, this would happen faster for you. But you seem to like pain.
S: I wouldn’t go that far.
P: Then why do I find you so often?
S: Because I don’t know how to keep you out?
P: Have you learned nothing? You cannot fight me. Fighting me creates more openings.
S: Ok, so see you for who you are.
P: I am not a who.
S: For what you are and welcome you. Experience you, feel you and then release you and claim only who I am in the body.
P: For you this works. Others have more hooks. But for you this will work.
S: Would you care to say what else would work?
P: No. I desire to flow where there are openings. You do not need to concern yourself with others. They have their own concerns.
S: Well, I know I am on to something. If others welcome and experience you, it will process faster. I’m not sure about getting you out of their body.
P: Then let them be. That is enough for now. I will see you again soon.
S: I look forward to it.