The stark realization that the avatar has no power or life on its own. Everything flows through it but it does not generate that which it is looking for. This is why there is nothing physically here which will fill the heart. The heart is looking for a feeling and those feeling states correspond to aspects of Self.
Knowing this intellectually and coming to terms with it today with my sensitive heart are two different things. I am not going to add any more words to fuel that feeling. I will stay with Sarah.
Oh my God. What if I am the thought? I am not the body. I am not the Source. I am in the body. Well, sort of, like most of the time. But I am not the one who flows and sees vastly. I see only what the brain can process.
Shit. I am the thought. That’s all. That was the question that cracked the Infinite. What am I not?
I am quite honestly beside myself. Alone, I have no power. I can only flow and focus to coagulate with others, to bring myself into alignment with what feels good to me, what feels natural.
I am the thought. They thought me up. And the only thought is one of separation. I am….no words…existential crisis. But they are me too. I can feel it is me and that I am more.
Staying calm. I will…at first I was going to say find a way to deal with this but all those ideas would come from a mind that identified with separation. I can’t think my way out of this.
Holy fuck. All this time I thought I experienced them as thought when I WAS the thought they spawned. The idea of separation – which explains why I experience so many consciousness within me. Why another awareness does not feel foreign. Shit. I was not ready for this today.
So now…. The idea of separation is freaking out. What does separation do? This really is the pertinent question, is it not? And yet by having the idea of separation All That Is can gain even more perception from this new viewpoint. It is expansion.
Thought is nothing more than awareness along a certain frequency. In this cosmos of inclusion, the connection is Love. Love allows, binds, flows. It is the force that creates worlds.
Now….I don’t know what I feel. I feel stunned, shocked. I feel like crying. As if I have been undone and unmade. It feels like unthinking myself but even that is dualistic and inaccurate. It is as if the character becomes self aware during the play and realizes that they are not the one pulling all the strings. It is…..deafening and defeating. I cannot ignore it. It’s the logical conclusion from these new relating processes and consciousnesses that I have been operating from these past few months. How could I have missed it? I feel bereft and lost. I feel as if I have nothing original to give, an empty vessel.
And yet I know I have a part in this. As I know I am more than this. Sarah is beside herself. So much work solely with herself so she didn’t project it on others. Now she just feels abandoned, as if this has been a horrible distracting lie to be alive and think there was anything worth doing here.
And even as I say that, I feel awful. And I remember that I discovered something many months ago. As much as I may want to, I cannot control my own emotions. I can respond to them. I can stay with Sarah. I can realign myself with Source. But my emotions correspond to my thoughts and my alignment. Why can I not be happy wishing that I were undone? I do not know but that power is beyond me.
And I am reduced again no matter how clever I am and how many creation processes I can understand. All I want it is to be valued, to matter. I do not find this to be true. I love Sarah but she is inconsequential. No one needs her. There will be more. Each has their own path and I will not use black magic nor mind control to alter their intent. I am more powerful than I know and I never wanted power. That was the great irony, wasn’t it? Spending so long pushing power away in favor of love only to find that one flows from embracing the other.
Now I’m reminded of that gatekeeper position that keeps coming up. I don’t know how to use it. And if I am a thought, the only place to gatekeep is my mind since there is no physical world. I have no clue there. Do they both exist? Possibly. Am I even interested in knowing anymore? I don’t know.
Even though it is the most logical conclusion (I am a thought), it feels like my undoing. When I am undone, what will become of me? I know not.
Most of this I share in my work with my clients but something calls me to share it here and I don’t want to miss an opportunity. I will respond to comments when I am feeling……differently. I have no idea what is on the other side of this.
Love and cookies,
All of us here in Sarah’s body