Tag Archives: mind

Madness and Kerouac

ker

I absolutely adore madness. It breaks me through faster than anything else.

I don’t always know when it’s coming. I can’t predict it. And I always fight it in the beginning because it takes me right out of the reality that I “think” exists.  That safety and security I have put in labels like Mother, Friend, Lover, Sarah, Reality. As if a word could encompass a fluid relating or make that relating sustainable.  My mind just grasps. It’s all it can do, really. Poor little mind. I can’t blame the mind for doing its job. Continue reading

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2014-05-02 Update

I really need to pay attention to where I direct my attention. I’m writing on the balcony wondering why my neighbor has her TV so loud. Then I notice that I hear her screaming and they are having wonderfully athletic sex. Good for her!

Now I can smell them.

Ok, redirecting my thoughts to what I came out here for.  More information than I needed. LOL!

As I heard from a friend years ago, it is easier to wear slippers than carpet the whole world.

And this week my attention has been all over. Spent most of my days in the I AM. I’m still learning how to focus on what I am doing.

And yesterday, my daily Abraham Hicks quote:

As you diminish contrast, you diminish your ability to decide, and as you diminish your ability to decide, you diminish your ability to focus, and as you diminish your ability to focus, you do away with your reason for existing.

—Abraham

Excerpted from the workshop: Orlando, FL on February 15, 1997

This is exactly where I am. A point where you can hold multiple vibrations at once and there is no contrast. No ability to decide what I want to do.  When there is no contrast, how do you decide? 

Disclaimer: This is not a call for help and no, there is not a plan.

It’s just noticing that there is nothing to do. I do not need to exist here right now. There is nothing anyone needs from me that they cannot give to themselves. The Universe is already leading them to everything they need. The only one to live for is self. And then when you have what you thought you wanted – what next?

So, I guess I’m having existential angst.

Me? The girl who loves living?

I don’t want to be done here so I go back to a different vibration, the mind and ego. Where do they find contrast?

 

Yeah, this will NOT be a shocker.

 

Paying bills.

I hate paying bills. Haha!

I’m sure you love it, right? Can’t wait to send off your money to someone else when you’re not even sure the service was worth it in the first place?

And I do the same thing with paying bills that I do with the rest of stuff that gives my ego shenpa. Why does it bother me?  I know and trust in the abundance of the Universe.  But I don’t really like the form that the Universe sends abundance right now.  I’d rather make money doing something I enjoy rather than temp jobs but I know I can’t hack a regular 9-5 anymore. That’s why I temp. And with another full moon coming up, I don’t know how I’ll be feeling. Not too many people want to hire someone who can only work three weeks out of the month and I don’t really feel like explaining it. Plus, being in public workplaces is sometimes still overwhelming to me. I don’t want to be in that many dense energy fields. It makes too much work for me when I get home to clear all of the stuff that I picked up and I don’t know how to shield it all yet.

The part that bugs me about paying the bills is the way I know the money comes in right now. The dragon is the main support for the household and we cut back on a lot two years ago after my last corporate job. But there is a small gap that needs to be filled and he has a great well-paying job he loves with good perks. So I’m looking at what I love to do and coming up with a few ideas I’ve started working on. Mostly combining metaphysical and nerdy interests.

I’m thinking I’ll post some pics for works in progress. As with everything else, I have no clue what I’m doing so it should be interesting. And a work in progress as we all are.

Oh geez, my neighbor is still busy. Haha!  Must be Friday night.

I hope you are as ecstatic as she is.

I love you.

Namaste.

 

2014-04-27 Update

All action taken is to occupy the mind. It wants something to do. It does not rest.

When I go in, I have no thoughts. So as I get sense information, the mind wants to make coherence out of it. To grasp onto something. To goad the body into action.

All I get is sense information and the mind wants to interpret it. To attach meaning to it. Meaning is just another filter. There is no meaning but what the mind attaches to it. There are no signs. There is only what is. Everything I experience is me. I am. Continually expansive.

Continually creating. To look at what I am experiencing I have only words. And words are confining. They want to define, to contain.

And I write. I have no desire to write. When the mind looks at the experience, it interprets it as nothingness, a void. But that is not the experience. I do not even call it a feeling because I do not “feel” anything. All it is, is I AM. I exist. It is nothing and everything. It is still only in that there was chatter before for the mind and now there is nothing to attend to. And in that contrast, there is a void which was previously filled because the mind looks for contrast, for meaning, for information to decipher and decode, to direct action. 

And yet, there is no contrast now. There is nothing I am not. It is all me. When I rest my pen, nothing comes to fill my mind. The mind looks to the senses to direct it. 

So, why am I writing? Because I have no desire. Even expressing myself is a desire whether anyone reads it or not. I could sit here for days, weeks, who knows how long. Everything I write is filtered through my mind anyway. 

For now, I write to occupy the mind. Do I need to? No but it is a choice. Just an intention, energy directed toward free will. I recognize that I may still want to publish parts of this later and my books. That is fine. There is no rush. I many want to know how this felt at a later time, to remember the experience. 

But that is the mind talking. There is nothing to remember. Time is an illusion and I exist. My mind wants to chronicle this and so I pacify it for now. Would I not love the mind as I love the body?

And I see what I’ve been getting glimpses of. That feeling there is something beyond love. Because I do feel love right now. I am. That is all I experience. And beyond is a useless word because it was here all the time. It cannot NOT be. But there are so many layers to unfold. So many mechanisms to experience to arrive at that realization for my mind. The matrix flickered this morning. I do have a desire now that I look at it.

I want to be.

Here. 

Now.

But it may be the mind categorizing it as desire. Because I cannot NOT be. So, how can I desire what already is? Whatever this is and wherever it leads, my mind wants it. A testimony. For myself. To myself. The mind says for others, in order to be love. But there are no others and love is all there is. It is all me, aspects of me differentiated that I am calling to myself which my mind filters for the I AM. The mind cannot comprehend it. That is okay. 

The mind is but a tool to understand and recognize differentiation, to attempt to guide action. Meaning and feeling are just tools to guide us. There is no meaning and there is no feeling. And so I am out of my mind and I have no feelings. Unsuitable for this world and an anomaly. I am not scared. Why fear myself? 

I choose to stay. It is all that there is. The only desire my mind recognizes is to stay. And that is merely a preference. Not even a preference because I cannot be destroyed. So, the point is moot. There is no desire or preference because I cannot negate myself.

Down the rabbit hole we go, my friend.