Tag Archives: surrender

My one week snow anniversary

One week ago today I made it snow for the first time.  I didn’t even know I could do that!  EEEEEE!!!!!!!  I’m still super excited!!!!!!

firstsnow

The dragon saw me in all my glory, giddy as a schoolgirl, watching it on the balcony and jumping up and down and screaming. He asked how long I was going to make it snow since he wanted to go out later so we capped it around 20 minutes. But it was sooo beautiful!

2016-02-06 Journal Entry

trees in forest, pretty green light

From my personal journal earlier this month after learning a new relating process.

Acting my way into changing myself- stopping doing what I didn’t like, forcing myself into doing what I think I “should” be doing – does work but for me it felt like there was always something more that I wanted to be before I was done. I didn’t know that that would continue as I live because I am the creator and there will never be a time when it is “all done.” I constantly have new desires and trying to quash them is counter to a creative nature.

Using willpower to change my actions only went so far and I was using my previous actions and accomplishments to gather self-confidence. This works when situations are conducive to my goal but make me dependent on outside factors to feel that I am achieving what I want. If something arises that does not allow me to accomplish my goal and is outside my control, my self esteem suffers. This sets me up for a harmful cycle.

Learning to relax, to surrender to my own self and trust in the benevolent nature of all I am allows me to….
Trust.
Be well.
Believe that it is all coming to me precisely as I need it.

Knowing that I am never done and I can bring whatever I need to me is reassuring. It quiets that voice that says I can rest later.

I can rest now.
When I feel myself getting tight, I can go to this whenever I need to.

And it feels good. It is exactly what I have been looking for in every person, place, situation. I can take it everywhere I am.

Being psychic has been very helpful in this but I don’t think it is necessary. Everyone knows what peace feels like and that is all you truly need to begin this.

But being psychic made me aware of all sort of feeling states that we don’t have words for. It showed me that what we experience here is a small sliver of what is and what we are. It teaches me that what we can do and access is more than what is commonly thought of as available. The ciphers taught me much of that. Still not sure what to do with them but I know I’ll know it when it comes.

As I’ve been chilling out more and more – letting go of all those things I think I have to do – I feel more fulfilled, loved and satisfied than I ever have. I wasn’t even looking for those things, just relief from thinking that I had to wash all the dinner dishes before I could relax. I’m finding the more I chill out, the more all those things that I’ve been wanting flow right into my life – people, money, opportunities, inspiration, answers to questions.

You would think that I would do this more often so that I could get those things but when I surrender and trust my own path I don’t really care about them anymore. Not that I don’t want them but I don’t need them anymore to be happy and fulfilled where I am. They become like choosing between chocolate or vanilla cake and I’m just excited to be offered dessert after a delicious meal.

The best part is that I don’t need anything or anyone to access this part of my experience. I can do it anywhere at any time and I’m getting better at basking in it and staying there for most of the day. Then inspiration hits, I follow it and whatever happens, happens.

I’ve had so many miraculous things happen in the past few years, things I have no idea how to explain or why they happened or even that I thought were possible.  I’ve gotten so many things that I wanted that I thought would take years and years to come about. They were wonderful but prompted a deep desire to know and understand after each one.

This new way of being makes it easy, so easy. It was fun before but this is effortless. The answers do come but when I am ready and it feels natural instead of giving me brain melt.  I’m not constantly trying to catch up with myself and my emerging perceptions and experiences. There isn’t as much tumbling down the rabbit hole.  The changes in myself happen naturally and I don’t even notice them until I look back. I’m getting pretty good at it now and can turn around how I feel very quickly.

I thought that I would get nothing done and couldn’t imagine how this would work but I couldn’t keep turning myself inside out with work and family commitments and having time to connect with me and what I wanted. It just wasn’t working.

Feeding the kids peanut butter and jelly for dinner and leaving the dishes in the sink. Ordering takeout, heading out to see the trees and asking someone else to do the laundry. Calling out of work for no reason other than I want to. Saying I need time to myself and taking off for a while solo with no plan. They all worked great. And then I actually wanted to cook again and do laundry.

So I’m letting it all go. Gonna be lazy for quite a while, hopefully the rest of my life. I could definitely enjoy this.

 

Madness and Kerouac

ker

I absolutely adore madness. It breaks me through faster than anything else.

I don’t always know when it’s coming. I can’t predict it. And I always fight it in the beginning because it takes me right out of the reality that I “think” exists.  That safety and security I have put in labels like Mother, Friend, Lover, Sarah, Reality. As if a word could encompass a fluid relating or make that relating sustainable.  My mind just grasps. It’s all it can do, really. Poor little mind. I can’t blame the mind for doing its job. Continue reading